Sexy Med Talk

Do you find yourself often putting others needs before your own? Chasing around after some man or woman who always seems to get their needs met at the expense of your mental wellbeing and your happiness? Well friend you are not alone. Most of us do this at some point, often way more that we would like to admit. We’ve all found ourselves jumping through hoop after demeaning hoop in the hope that if we jump ‘just so’ this time we’ll get it right and “they” will get us and know just how much we love them and they will reciprocate exactly the way we want them to. WELL GOOD FUCKING LUCK WITH THAT!!

No, dear friends. Pinning over and losing your sense of center and self for some egotistic maniac who clearly knows how to get what they want, leads to no happiness on either side. They begin to see you as some week pushover of a person who they can take for granted and you begin to resent them for always putting their needs first. Someone told me today “we train people on how to treat us” huh! what a concept! So you not treating yourself with the utmost respect, love and tenderness is just a blaring message to others that that’s how you want to be treated. Even if you say that what you want is respect, admiration, acknowledgment and loyalty. We all know very well that actions speak louder than words. So baby, do what you say and say what you want.

Everyone has been haunted by feeling unworthy, lacking self respect at times. Many of us feel guilty for taking up space and asking for what we want. We express half truths then resort to passive aggressive behaviors. I’m not saying these are always conscious acts of self sabotage, as often these behaviors come from our subconscious due to many years of not asking for what we really want from fear of being rejected or ridiculed. Well, ask yourself something: what’s best? Trying to avoid rejection and never getting what your really want, or risking rejection (by someone who only proves they’re unworthy) and going for what you really want?

The more clearly you can express your needs, the higher the chances of getting exactly what you need and deserve. So the next time he ask you if it’s okay that he cancel dinner and you say yes when the answer is really no, or she ask you if you can stay in and cuddle when you really want to go out and party your ass off and you say yes when in reality what you need is some release away from her, then you deserve exactly what you get. Know yourself and then know how to love yourself first and foremost. You’ll see you’ll get more that you ever knew possible, this goes for friends and work too. Loving yourself is a universal magnet for being loved.

Until next time, Have Sex, be Happy, be Healthy

I read somewhere today that writing a blog is like flashing your tits or mooning someone. Most good blogs you would’t want published until after you’re dead. Well, since I have no problem with public nudity, and plan on living a long naked, life here is another little insight into my dirty little soul, enjoy…

Dating within your class, what does that mean exactly? and is it actually relevant in this modern age. We see those relic movies of a victorian age where people married their family members as long as the be-wed was in a class the same or higher as their own. In China women  were married off to a husband they only met the day of their wedding. In india and parts of the middle east arranged marriages are still a part of daily practice. History is riddled with marriage based on class and frankly that was the purpose of marriage, to better ones social status. But in modern America is this still the case? Some argue that it’s the only way marriage will survive.

Does this archaic view still apply or has the ability of women to make as much money as men, have similar job opportunities, and still have children make this dating practice obsolete?  I’ve been considering classism and the effects it has on human interactions. Yes we are in a capitalist society where the goal is to make as much money as possible’ To then buy as much crap as possible and have the ability to go everywhere possible and when you’re that rich you’ll have the time/money/space to do the inner work, or you’ll have enough money that you can just buy people’s loyalty and affection and never have to do the work at all. You can go along being a raging asshole and everyone will still lick you! but the question remains is this happiness? I wonder, when I sit and decide the factors which I consider when dating someone, I mean don’t we all?

So, I suppose my rant for the night is; are we missing out on a lot of the subtle beauties of humanity by being classist and often agist? Women wanting rich men and men wanting hot, young women? Then there are the gays of course, who are both hot and rich, the same age and sex cohabiting and getting married because they really want to, they must be the evolved species! Don’t get me wrong I enjoy being spoiled by dapper well endowed men and women, but I’m often left with this void, this curiosity: if they were less articulate and studied would I still find them so interesting? Do the guys not dripping in leather and engineering degrees ever make it into my field of vision, for more that a steamy night or two that is? I’m starting to reconsider and finding absolute delight in getting to know people as people, men as men. Soul to soul. Oh my!! This is dangerous, I keep falling in love with everything I see?. Maybe I should stay at home an turn on netflix or maybe I should dive in head first, eyes and heart wide open ready for the pain of feeling and being alive!

Until next time, Have Sex, Be Happy, Be Healthy.

Today I experienced why men need to cry way more that they do, or better yet more than they think they’re allowed to. I saw one “straight” man hold another “straight” man in his arms in the fetal position while the former wailed tears of deep pain due to many years of feeling he was put in the role of caregiver yet never felt supported and cared for himself. I saw two other men embrace each other with such genuine love, so strong and real as if they had never had a hug in their life. I was moved so deeply as I began to see how as a society we measure mens worth by how much they produce, while denying them the space and basic human rights to cry when they feel sad, to rest when they are tired and to ask for support  and nurturing  they desperately need. We then sit around bitching about their emotional constipation. Well hell!

I realized today with a pang of guilt that I’m one sexist bitch! I mean seriously, most men never really get through the front door with me, intimately that is. They are guilty until proven otherwise. I realized today a bit horrified how, I too have been emotionally crippled, by these useless societal constructs not knowing how to receive non-sexual attention and affection from men. I automatically assume that if they want my attention and a little affection that they are trying to have sex with me. I really don’t give men much credit at all. The poor guys are lucky they don’t get socked in the eye if they so much as give me an endearing look. I get it, I’ve been hurt in really unjust ways by men, but those were specific men, every other man shouldn’t have to pay the price of my rejection. Men are systematically oppressed and their sensitive nature taken for granted. They too have been robbed of their ability to relax, breath and get affection, especially by other men, without there being some gay connotation. We have socialized our men to knowing only a single way to get intimacy and affection and that’s through SEX!

While I am a proponent of having as much sex as you want or need completely guilt free; mistaking sex with intimacy is such a common confusion, one I struggle with and so do many men.  The bottom line: If your buddy reaches our for a hug don’t automatically assume he’s trying to jump your bones. If your guy seems like he could use a good cry encourage him to cry all the way until he’s done, providing him with a loving, sympathetic space to do so. You will seriously be filling your karmic bank account, helping heal deep societal wounds going back generations.  You will be sending a message to the awesomely sensitive, men in your life that you see their humanness and acknowledge their emotional needs. If you’ve ever wanted to do good in the world, reach out and touch a man, give him non-sexual affection and let him cry. You might just be surprised when he starts being more intuitive to your needs in return.

Until next time, Have Sex, be Happy, be Healthy. 

 You are a cougar and a fake lesbian! my best friend said to me this afternoon as we sipped cognac on my living room floor. This came as I told her of my sexy 25 year-old boy-toy, my Face Book lesbian romance, the couple who spoil me and the blast from the past who never seems to get old. ‘sometimes we regress’ I responded, feeling it was more apropos. I thought of the insatiable void left in me after navigating the San Francisco dating scene for the last ten years. What does it take to satiate your enormous ego she asked? I couldn’t answer as I was lost in a reverie…

Not too long ago I too was ‘Vanilla’ believing in Prince Charming, Romeo and well… the L-word. This being where I got my notions of relationships, partnership and commitment. But many thanks to my colorful SF lovers I’ve learned that ownership of a person is an illusory construct, taught to us a means of control, thanks Pepe! I’ve also learned that love is limitless and boundless and there is enough for everyone to have some. Most importantly I’ve learned that when we disregard our sexual preference and gender, deep inside we all crave recognition, affection and intimacy.

This is all in sharp juxtaposition to the over sexualized, over romanticized idea of a committed relationship stock in my consciousness, thanks to my TV nanny and my christian upbringing. My “vanilla” notion of love cracked open when I encountered the SF ‘Peter Pan Syndrome’ which has left me with a fragmented view of what committed, loving relationships are suppose to look like. My life here and my fiercely non-traditional romances have blurred the lines in the sand.

I, like many single SF women, wander the jungles of this city in search of love, intimacy and loyalty in a sea of commitment-phobia, beauty, wealth and non-conformity. I navigate with the innate understanding that we are all just humans looking for human connections, yet I’m constantly surprised and the lengths we will go to avoid just that! As I said to my friend on the dance floor the other night, as she struggled in an existential crisis: “Al lines curve eventually friend, and what seemed linear is just a giant cluster-circle given enough time”, we laughed and had another drink. Perhaps regression was not apropos, exponential growth was more so. Growing can hurt so good!

Until next time, have Sex, be Happy be Healthy.

What was it like growing up a GAY, WHITE, MALE in the US?

This is a question for some research I’m doing. I’d love your feedback!! If you’d like it to remain anonymous please let me know. I so value your feedback.

Until next time, Have Sex, Be Happy, Be Healthy.

Today I listened tentatively to Dan Savage rip this girl a new one for pulling a sneaky little maneuver and slinking out of her lesbian friends bed in the morning after waking up in her own puke and apparently coming on to her all night. I guess the sneaky walk-of-shamer got mad calls from her “friend” who no longer wanted to be friends after she explained that she wasn’t interested in her “like that” she was just drunk!

I thought Dan was going to magically appear out of the ipod speakers and rip me one too! The stupid side of my bisexual nature seems to peak during my intoxication state, which depending on my stress levels can be monthly. Sloppy make-out sessions with some unassuming bystander woman, oh yeah that’s my specialty. 

I suppose it’s easier that having to face feeling threatened or inadequate by her beauty, wit and charm. The good-old make out bait and switch, oh yeah got that one down. Depending on the time of night or level of intoxication the poor girl can be straight, gay ,bi, male, a broom stick with red lipstick, doesn’t really matter too much. oppsie! Well Dan sure let me have it today, though I’ve never woken up in my puke, I get the idea; Just because you’re hot and a woman doesn’t mean you get to objectify, lead on and then forget about people. No bueno! bad Karma etc. To my defense, most women I’ve wanted to follow up with, it seems these days. I guess my taste and discernment are getting better with age. Or so I’d like to think. My full hearted apologies goes out to does of you who dealt with the infancy of my sexuality. We all have to learn.

Until next time, Have Sex, be Happy, be Healthy

“The passionate intensity you’ve saved for only sexual encounters can fire up all areas of your life.” I found this a very insightful article on the underlying reasons for male sexual obsession.

http://www.interchangecounseling.com/articles/Obsessed.pdf